Coping

For the first time, the thought “I can’t do this any more” fleetingly entered my head.

The “I can’t do this any more” thought came into my head last week.  MW had two choking fits in one day.  The latter of the two being more acute.  I’m holding her upright while she’s struggling to breathe, unable to move, and trying to cough up the foreign object – a stray bit of regurgitated food or drink.  I pressed the button to alert the carers and one of them came to help.  Neither of us could do anything practical.  We can’t go into MW’s airway/lungs and pull out whatever it is that’s caused it.  The warning sign is always a gurgling sound in her stomach followed by a quiet ‘burp’ sound and frantic coughing.  Sometimes it’s not very bad.  A few coughs and it’s out.  Other times, it’s more serious.  Breathing becomes a problem and I can do nothing to help.  On more than one occasion, I’ve had the phone in my hand, ready to call an ambulance.

I had another panic attack last night.  Not as bad as a couple of weeks ago.  Probably a build up of stress coming at me from all sides.  I suspect that this post will elicit some advice along the lines of “you need to reduce your stress”, “is there anything you can do?”.  I know I need to do something about my stress.  Or it really is going to have a lasting, drastic effect on my life.  After the choking incident, I had a quiet moment to try to forget the sound of MW gasping to catch her breath and the feeling of utter helplessness.  That’s when it popped into my head.  “I can’t do this anymore”  “My best isn’t good enough”

So, I’m coping.  At least, I think I’m coping because I’ve not dropped any of the plates I’ve got spinning, but maybe my body is trying to tell me otherwise.