I’ve written some personal stuff here. But this is the hardest so far.

The last 48 hours have been shit. MW won’t get a PEG tube. She’s “missed the boat”. She’s not doing great. Without going into the far end of a fart (one of MW’s favourite phrases), she is, as per the medical staff, compromised. Breathing is an issue, she’s not taking food, fluids are administered via drip. They tell me her heart is strong, but things can change.

She won’t be coming home. The woman who taught me how to smile and laugh again, the woman I met over a game of darts sixteen years ago and made me feel, won’t be coming home. She’s not been very responsive tonight but she looked at me and gave me the broadest smile. I’m lost.

They’re looking at getting her a hospice bed.

I can’t let all this out in front of her. I’m trying to be strong. I did OK in front of her at the hospital, but I started thinking when I got home. Stupid brain.