The feels

This is a big week for me.  I’ll be alone in my own home for the first time since Trisha died.  For the last six months, I’ve either had my mother-in-law or my own mother living with me, or both at once.  Last September, Trisha’s mother came to stay here with Trisha while I was due to go to the wedding of my best mate at school.  She’d only been here a few days when Trisha stopped being able to swallow properly.  I assumed – hoped – it would be transient, just a blip, and she’d be sent home again.  The rest is very recent and raw history.

Once we’d been told that Trisha wouldn’t recover this time, my mother came over to join Trisha’s.  I’ve not been alone since.  Tomorrow, my mother goes home.  I think this will be the time when those feelings of grief I’ve been keeping at bay will surface.  I only seem to let it all get to me when I’m alone.  Why is that?  Do I need to give myself permission  How repressed am I?  Don’t answer that, I’m way ahead of you.

Anyhow, I also think this is something that needs to happen.  I can’t keep focussing on the practical things in life to the detriment of my emotional well-being.  It’s time to let the feels in.

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