Good grief

This is the first post after losing Trisha.  Seeing those words still causes that now-familiar sting in the eyes and knot in my stomach.  Three weeks on, I still don’t know whether and how much I should tell people.  Do I get my disclosure in first, just ‘out with it’? Or should I keep quiet and wait for people to ask why I’ve a face like The World’s Most Slapped Arse Ever™?  Do I wear my grief on my sleeve or not?

Is there such a thing as ‘good’ grief?  I mean, is there a ‘proper’ way to grieve?  I have no idea.  Logic tells me there is no proper way to grieve, only a personal way that’s peculiar to each individual going through the process.  (Is it just me or does ‘process’ seem like a very unseemly word to describe the sequence of emotions and experiences felt by the bereaved?  It’s something that’s too human to have such a logic-driven, robotic word attached to it.  Just thinking aloud.)  So, why am I thrashing about, trying to figure it all out?

I’ve started to search out all things grief-related.  Books, films, TV programmes, newspaper articles, websites, people on social media in similar circumstances….right now, I’d take runes and tea-leaf readings if I felt they’d help me find my way (I don’t, but as I get more desperate, watch this space).  I’ve become a grief addict.  Hell, I’m even watching Sleepless in Seattle as I write this.  I daresay I’m looking for answers.  The only answer I have for any aspect of life right now is “I don’t know”.

I don’t know where I want to live – as we live (live…lived, whatever…) in a rented bungalow specially adapted for people with disabilities; I can’t stay here, someone who’s been on a waiting list for goodness knows how long will need it.  I don’t know about Christmas, I don’t know what I want to do in life, I don’t even know who I am (I’m the Bourne Widower!).  For sixteen years, I was part of a whole.  Now, I’m a part that’s adrift.

I don’t have any answers.  I don’t even know what the right questions are.

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